Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!

The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.