Pat Paulsen Quotes

The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.

It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate.

The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.

I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.

If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and possibly teh bogey man.

Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.

Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.

In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.

On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.

Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with.

They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!

So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I'm going to reach in and grab a woman!

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.

Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.

Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.

I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.

If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.

It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.