My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables,for that matter.

Peter Marshall: A western saddle has a curved horn on the front to hold something for the cowboy. What is it?

It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.

Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable.

Politicians... talk in generalities and lies, and I think they've caused all our grief. They're so awful, they're really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics.

If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.