For better or worse, in the 21st century, reality shows are the variety show.

This is going to sound horrible, but I don't even know how much I make in a year. It must be, you know, a couple of million dollars, a few million. I know it's more money than my dad, a jail guard, made in his lifetime; more money than I'll ever need.

I will not counter the insanity of the PATRIOT Act with an overblown fear of my rights being taken away.

A joke is a way to say, 'I'm going to do something funny now. If I don't get a laugh at the end, I'm a failure.'

I had e-mail in 1984! I had an e-mail address then, which means that all you could write to was Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. There were three of us, writing to each other.

I've never revved my car at a light for an attractive woman or an auto-rival, not even as a joke.

I get along so much better with fundamentalist Christians than I do with wishy-washy liberals, who want everyone to get along.