I get along so much better with fundamentalist Christians than I do with wishy-washy liberals, who want everyone to get along.

When you tell other people to do stuff they don't know how to do, they tend to freak out.

Much better than the feeling of having things is the feeling of having earned things.

As I’m fond of saying, if you want to find utopia, take a sharp right on money and a sharp left on sex and it’s straight ahead.

It's only the losers named Dave that think having an unusual name is bad, and who cares what they think. They're named Dave.

Democracy without respect for individual rights sucks. It's just ganging up against the weird kid, and I'm always the weird kid.

The secret truth of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is that it isn't very hard... 'Celebrity Apprentice' is easy like junior high is easy. All the arithmetic, the creative writing and the history are super simple, but like junior high, you do that easy work surrounded by people who are full-tilt, hormone-raging bug nutty.