I get along so much better with fundamentalist Christians than I do with wishy-washy liberals, who want everyone to get along.

If I go out to dinner with you and you order wine, I leave. I won't be around drugs and alcohol at all.

Make deals with people, not paper.

The secret truth of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is that it isn't very hard... 'Celebrity Apprentice' is easy like junior high is easy. All the arithmetic, the creative writing and the history are super simple, but like junior high, you do that easy work surrounded by people who are full-tilt, hormone-raging bug nutty.

Every nut who kills people has a Bible lying around. If you're looking for violent rape imagery, the Bible's right there in your hotel room. If you just want to look up ways to screw people up, there it is, and you're justified because God told you to.

We all have friends we love dearly that couldn't pass for human in a strict Turing test.

Bacon is so good by itself that to put it in any other food is an admission of failure. You're basically saying, 'I can't make this other food taste good, so I'll throw in bacon.'