You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.