Phyllis Diller Quotes

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.