I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.