Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.