Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.