When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
Phyllis DillerMothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.
Phyllis DillerWe have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller