If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'