If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.