If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.