If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.