My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.