My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.