When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.