You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
self-pity is better than none.
I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.