When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.