No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.