My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.