My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.