You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.