You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.