You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

self-pity is better than none.