You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.