A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.