A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!