A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.