You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.