You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.