If anyone has a new idea in this country, there are twice as many people who keep putting a man with a red flag in front of it.

During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, 'More open than usual'. I now declare this place more open than usual.

Why don't you go and live in a hostel to save cash?

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.

A horse which stops dead just before a jump and thus propels its rider into a graceful arc provides a splendid excuse for general merriment.

Do people trip over you?