The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.