For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

I do still get intimidated by certain things.

I put myself on tape and the cool thing was that Martin Scorsese had never heard of me. He had never seen [Everybody Loves Raymond]. I was just an unknown actor to him. I don't want to sound conceited, like he has to know who I am, but that seemed a little odd. He's a film genius. He doesn't watch sitcoms.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.