I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness.'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.