I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.