Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.