If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he'll just break down and cry. He knows you know.

Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness.'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.