If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

My wife said to me 'I hope you win... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

It was very nerve-wracking for me. I had to be drunk and have a threesome. I'm not that guy. Bobby Cannavale is that guy. But it was Vegas and things got crazy, and it happened. We go to Vegas to try to sign Elvis Presley and things get crazy. My character [in Vinyl] is stoned.