If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.