If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.