Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.

I have this mistress: show business.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.