You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

It was very nerve-wracking for me. I had to be drunk and have a threesome. I'm not that guy. Bobby Cannavale is that guy. But it was Vegas and things got crazy, and it happened. We go to Vegas to try to sign Elvis Presley and things get crazy. My character [in Vinyl] is stoned.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins... ooh... I'll tell you what it is for us. I'll share it with you. Every three months. We don't plan it that way. That's just how it works out. It's the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it's oral sex, I renew my driver's license.