You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.