The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.