Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!

Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!

The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!

Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!

Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, Is all that for me? Never got a dinner!

Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!