I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.

Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.

Certain things should be yours to have when you work your way to the top.

You make me wish that birth control was retroactive.

It's some chopped liver. That's Jewish soul food.