Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

You know what the average person is? Average.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.