It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!