It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!