America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

You know what the average person is? Average.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.