In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?