In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.