Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.