Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!