Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.