Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
Richard JeniAnimals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
Richard JeniThe Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'
Richard JeniSeventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
Richard JeniMarried or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?
Richard JeniImagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
Richard JeniWhy do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
Richard JeniChoosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.
Richard JeniIn the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
Richard JeniWhen one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
Richard JeniThe only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
Richard JeniSay whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.
Richard JeniIn any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.
Richard JeniFifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.
Richard JeniI always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Richard JeniI think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
Richard JeniRidiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Richard JeniNobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
Richard JeniThere is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.
Richard JeniBrooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.
Richard JeniLobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
Richard JeniThere is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
Richard JeniWhy is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Richard JeniIf you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
Richard JeniIn life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
Richard JeniReligious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
Richard JeniSpiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Richard JeniSports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
Richard JeniIf you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
Richard JeniIf you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Richard JeniEasiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
Richard JeniIt's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?
Richard JeniThe way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
Richard JeniIt is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
Richard Jeni