To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.