To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!