To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?