Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.