Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.