Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!