There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.