There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

You know what the average person is? Average.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!