It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!