It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

You know what the average person is? Average.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.