You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.