You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'