Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!