If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.