If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'