If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.