If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.