The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.