Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.

I write the story that nobody reads. Someday, I'm going to write it in German to see if anyone notices.

Exactly how intricate a sport is jogging? You were two years old. You ran after the cat. You pretty much had it mastered

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.

A man is more than his failings.

Im afraid Wisconsin is you, Nebraska, only with much better parties and more wins.

I was a terrible Sugar Babies addict, so I had more cavities than the surface of the moon.