Do this or you’ll burn in hell.

Animals are not here for us to do as we please with. We are not their superiors, we are their equals. We are their family. Be kind to them.

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

It breaks your heart when you throw something away, but it's what left that counts. It's like worrying about the bits of rock you have knocked off in order to make a beautiful statue. You've wasted half the rock, yeah, but it's the Venus di Milo!

My philosophy? Have a laugh for as long as you can and don't get run over. Or stabbed.

That's the amazing thing about life. You can just rub it out, like a blackboard, and start again.

Being an atheist makes someone a clearer thinking, fairer person. They [atheists] are not doing things to be rewarded in heaven; they're doing things because they're right, because they live by a moral code.