Do this or you’ll burn in hell.

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

No one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. I want to see the struggle. That's the fun bit.

A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.

If there is a God, why did he make me an atheist?

Got a proper job at 28. Gave it up to try comedy at 38. Decided to get fit and healthy at 48. It's never too late. But do it now

Celebrities, make it harder for hackers to get nude pics of you from your computer by not putting nude pics of yourself on the computer.