We didn't evolve; God made us. So I just want to explain to you exactly how that happened... Some of the things you'll hear do sound a little bit far-fetched. I admit that. Then I found out that the other name for The Bible is The Gospel, so it is all true. Luckily, the clue is in the title.

Being honest is what counts. To make the ordinary extraordinary is so much better than starting with the extraordinary.

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are.

Daniel Day-Lewis would play me as a baby. He can do anything. Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt are fighting out for me now. And Meryl Streep will play me after the sex change. I haven't told you about that, have I?

When I direct my own scripts, it's much easier as it's been in my head for a year already... What I love about this is having an idea and seeing it come to fruition on screen. I would like to direct someone else's script one day, but I might not get round to it before I die - you can't legislate for being hit by a bus!

I fought a bear once. But it started crying, so I let it off.

My philosophy? Have a laugh for as long as you can and don't get run over. Or stabbed.